Monday, October 20, 2008
Remarrying in Widowhood
I have talked a few times in previous blogs about my grandmother refusing to ever remarry and my grandfather remarrying very soon after these two entered widowhood. After watching The Sum of Us Dr. Drolen discussed how Harry should not have said to his new girlfriend, and possibly future wife, that their love could not be like the love he had with his first wife. My first reaction was that's right he should not have been that way. He should love his new love as much as his deceased wife and hey, the new wife deserves that as well I thought. One of the biggest issues for widowed persons in late adulthood is loneliness. We know from our studies that many are no longer able to drive and in a lot of cases the children have moved away. They are also often experiencing hearing loss which also limits their social outlets. I think that for a lot of widows they realize that they can never have that great first love but realize that sharing their lives with another person in their age bracket would be great. I also think that the father in The Sum of Us was just being realistic when he said the love would not be the same. I think that falling in love in your 60's cannot be the same as falling in love in you 20's. Not just because of the physical part but because when you marry in your 20's, you and your spouse build a life together, in a sense you grow up together. And in the case of the movie, you create a family together. Harry and his new love were more than likely not going to be reproducing and they both had grown children. I do not doubt that people can fall deeply in love in their 60's but I do question whether it can be like love in their younger years and spefically to my topic: Can it be like the love they had with their first spouse? What do you think?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I completely agree with you Davey and I'm really glad you wrote about this in you blog. I think that people are completely different in their 20's than in thier 60's, therefore, naturally they love differently and look for different qualities in a mate. I thought Harry was being very honest when he said he could not love Joyce like he did his first wife but that she would make a wonderful companion. Companionship is so important in late adulthood and I have realized that so much more in the last three months that I have been living with my grandmother. She wants someone to talk to and to tell stories to and most of the stories involve my grandfather. She says that she would never remarry because "she has had the best, why involve herself with anything less". While I know she would never marry anyone else, I sometimes think that some male companionship would be good for her.
I may have thought "ouch" the first time I saw this film, but I didn't this last time - it seemed natural. He loved his first wife in a way that seemed to imply he longed to be with her and he loved her. I met someone who said that he believed there is really only one true love in your life - the rest are loves, but not true loves. I don't know - I think I can love boatloads, but maybe I never experienced a true love. I suppose this is a question for those true lovers out there.
At one point in my life, I would have agreed there was such a thing as a "soul mate" or one true love. I don't know that I believe that anymore. Which kind of love is more important, "true love" or comfortable companionship, and can you have one without the other? Both kinds fill different needs in different stages of life. It is impossible for any love to be like your first true love (assuming you can identify it!) That only happens once in a lifetime and it can't be recreated. But it doesn't mean we should spend the rest of our lives alone either. Life is too short to not try to find love if we can.
I think that it would not be the same. I am in my late 20's and my husband is in his early 30's but is in failing health. Realisticly I could be a widow with in the next 15 years. I don't think that I could ever love another man like I love my husband. When you first start out in life you grow together by buying a home, starting a family, and dealing with basic need of work and family. Later in life you are not working and have already raised your children and can't and do not want any more. So the type of love would have to be different because you and your new spouse are not going through the life course together but joining up at the end. Also, my friend just got married to a guy who is widowed in late adulthood. The major problem that she has is with his children from the first marriage. Remarrying late in life has more family issues than in early adulthood.
I just can not imagine how lonely widowhood could be for someone in late adulthood. The prospects of finding a new love at that age, whether it could ever match your previous love or not, seem bleak. I hate to make it sound like that, but that's how it seems from my standpoint. I think that just finding a companion, maybe a friend or lover, seems like an easier task. Then again, I watched this video in my undergrad about sex in nursing homes and some of the ladies on the video said that they felt a great deal of sexual freedom in their old age and widowhood, that they didn't have to worry about pregnancy, and that if they contracted an STD then it didn't matter cause they were going to die soon anyway. Many of them had the viewpoint that they should be able to experience as much fun and intimacy with others as possible cause they weren't getting any younger. They all seemed pretty happy, but maybe that had something to do with the communal living environment at an assisted living facility. It might be a sadder situation for an elderly person who lives alone.
Post a Comment